wandering another year later


So the husband pointed out that it’s been over a year since my last post and perhaps I was due to start blogging again. Oddly, the past few years since coming back to the US from Bangkok – specifically to Maryland/DC I just haven’t really been inspired to blog…as I’m sure you can tell from the copious lack of posts freakishly apparent on this blog.

It’s difficult for me to write without a reason. I typically don’t update my teaching blog for months on end because I only update it when I feel I have something useful to relay. I typically don’t update this blog unless I have something, again, useful to mull over.

Fact of the matter is, while I may not be wandering geographically much anymore I am still very much wandering inside. Struggling with the pros and cons of my current life, debating what will really make me happy, both loving and hating what I do, turning 35 in a couple weeks and coming to grips with the decision of whether to have kids during the last portion of my 3rd decade of life because I’d rather not have them in my 40’s if I have them at all, being told I’m over thinking everything – yet that’s my nature…

I’m finally seeming to get my legs under me in this new field I jumped into during my postdoc…took awhile. Realizing the majority of what I do and how I live is to make those around me happy and accommodated; but not necessarily myself – and yet making other’s happy does make me happy, but then it doesn’t, but it does…it really is a vicious circle.

I haven’t blogged because I’ve been in limbo – eating, sleeping, working, rinse, repeat… And what is there to say when you are in limbo? “Wow, it’s been 2 years and I’m still in limbo.” – inspiring right? Not really.

I have a bookshelf and Kindle full of books I am uninspired to read, I have a book of recipes yet I am not inspired to cook, a book for programming yet I am not inspired to program, I have a basket full of partially finished cross-stitch that remains in the basket, I have a gym membership languishing, Manuscripts and blogs – yet I am uninspired to write… sounds depressing? It really is not – I’m just in limbo, internally wandering, going through the motions, until I find a renewal of passion for something again.

Mid-30’s life crisis, maybe.

I could blame my phone, those infernal addictive app games, social networking sites, LOL Cats, youtube etc…for becoming the unproductive ‘filler’ in my life – how many hours can you spend just on youtube videos or looking through buzzfeed posts, but while I’ve lost time to those at some point or another, most of my time loss stems from just ‘existing’ and being unable to put what’s going on my head into coherent form. The husband really is a saint for putting up with this by the way.

I’m not really looking for answers here. I’m not happy nor unhappy, just reflecting…yet another year later.

PS. Happy one-day-early birthday Mom, I love you.