Tribute to Edgar Allen Poe on his Birthday…

I wrote this in high school as an English project and figured I would post it as my tribute to Edgar Allen Poe on his birthday, which is today January 19th. It’s a parody of his poem ‘The Raven’. Now it was an English project so I had to copy the meter and style and everything…looking back I think it was a pretty decent job. That and well…I was an odd teenager, I still am odd…just not a teenager anymore.

The Cake: A Dieters Nightmare
A parody of “The Raven” by Edgar Allen Poe
(copyrighted MCM 1996 because it’s mine, not yours)


Once upon a nightime glowing, down the stairs sleek and slowly,
To the dark and foreboding basement of long before,
As I reached for the light so sordid, suddenly there came the dreaded,
A shattering I soon regretted, regretted the mess my broccoli made on the dusty floor.
‘What’s this?’ I questioned, no one answered-
Only a giggle, and then no more


Yes a giggle, clear as crystal, the vegetables tossed out by the fistful,
And each root, weed, bean and mushroom formed its mush upon my floor.
Speechless I stood out in contempt,
My refrigerator cold, empty and smelling potent.
All sustinence gone forever except-except decadent chocolate of whom I loved and called Stouffer-
A twenty year old cake so perfectly carved
And so I loved my dear Stouffer-
Not to be eaten, no nevermore.


Sighing at my prized possession, watching it move with a rippling sensation,
Had not spared me, scared me with a new found horror never experienced before.
So that now I stood reciting, to calm my heart which was exciting,
Tis only my imagination enticing, my cake lying in my refrigerator door-
Can only be this, cannot be more.


Mustering up my weakened courage, the strength within me began to flourish,
“Mr. or Mrs. Stouffer, I could have your forgiveness down to the core;”
“I did not mean to forget you for so many a year,” Just then the cake did jeer;
I saw a wicked smile appear-
To become a contorted face to peer–to peer at me from the floor.
Laughing it edged closer, beckoning me everso lower, to the floor.
“Eat me,” it whispered and then no more.


“NO!” I screamed panicked and stiff, yet tempted I pondered quick and swift,
Nearly yielding to the provoking mound of lactose which dared me from the floor.
My mind then came up with a resolve,
“You shall tempt me no longer,” to the cake I did call-
Out into the rain you shall fall, into utter darkness, good bye Stouffer.
This I cried out but no echo dare surmount the sacred name Stouffer.
Only a giggle, and then no more.


Back into my basement turning, all my stomach within me churning,
Up the stairs I flew all the way up to my bedroom chamber door.
With all my strength only could I lumber, into my bed, into delightful welcome slumber,
And when I recovered I was on my basement floor-
My cake smiling next to me on my basement floor-
“Eat me,” it whispered and then no more.


“This cannot be,” I did shout, “I threw you out, I threw you out!”
Over it slided in lordly grandeur,
The temptation became to strong, I knew it was wrong-
Yet I grabbed my knife and tongs and pursed the cake all around my basement floor-
As it slided sluggishly back and forth laughing on my floor-
“Eat me,” it chanted and then no more.


And then it was gone, and so went its provoking song,
Satisfaction showed by the smile I wore,
Back up the stairs I went, to the TV where many an hour I have spent.
Then I set my heavy frame upon my carpeted floor-
My heavy, protruding frame sounded slightly against my floor-
A giggle, and then no more.


But to every channel I did turn, it showed people thin with fat and calories burned.
My heart did guilt within me strike and shame also inside me bore,
Disgruntled I got up pondering, to here and there sauntering,
Til I found myself wandering, up to my bedroom chamber door-
When the image came back to me, above my bedroom chamber door-
“Eat me,” it chanted and then no more.


“Impossible,” I gasped in terror “It’s back to haunt me, my torture bearer,
“Let me be, haunt me no more,”
Back down into the basement darkness, back to my refrigerator tarnished,
On my knees looking at the varnish my chocolate cake made on my basement floor-
Then it appeared again to me, “NO!” I screamed, my face against the floor-
“Eat me,” it chanted…forevermore.


Happy Birthday Mr. Poe.